it was a sunday. the phone rang; it was kirstie alley. she said, "have you called jenny yet?!"

the lap band

2010-03-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

2008, wow has it been that long, blogworld? im getting the lap band. im scheduled for april 2nd. yeah, that's right. i read and post on http://www.occforum.com/ and have started a separate blog there. peace and love to everybody, find me on fb, search Sha Alemu Mekebeb. mwah!

spinning

2008-01-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

ah.... i dont have anything to say. just feel kind of bad that i havent written in so long. whats up w/me, im on the treadmill every other day, for 50-70 min lately. but my eating, oh yes, the eating... im not losing a thang, im spinning my wheels. those spurts of positivity are fleeting with me, always. i wish i just was thinner already, ive been so good at maintaining :) *pish* i used to be so "anti" plastic surgery but you know what, if i had the money, i'd be gettin a lap band right now! i heard its about as safe as gall bladder surgery these days. i think we may all be thin and on somma in the future. but i dont know if the world would be for the better b/c of it... anyways... so... keep on... dont give up... blah blah blah... isn't this kitten gif super cute????!!! ah crap, it's not moving. well, if you click on it, the kitten chases the butterfly.

happy anniversary

2007-11-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

it's one year later. i started at 251.8 and 365 days later im 228.4 which makes me 23.4 lbs down. so that's good. the first 6 months were way more gung ho than the last 6 month. well, let's see how things is 6 months from now. happy anniversary, me :)

25 lbs down

2007-11-08T04:37:00.000-08:00

right now i weigh 227.2 lbs, im at a full 25 down. im firmly and completely out of the 230's forever and ever. *phew*

i dont have that same insane happy feeling i did at 20 lbs down... maybe b/c it took me a really really long time to get here. meh, who cares how long it took, im here, that's whats important. it's my day off work, i napped on the couch for hours, and then watched oprah while eating a kimchee kimbop, then did 55 min walking on the treadmill while watching godzilla. man, that is one crappy movie.

Weight loss so far: 25.0 lbs
Biggest temptation: giving up.
My treat: letting go and going on.
My best discovery: banana AND mario

nov

2007-11-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

it's november 1st. down 2.0 lbs this month. yeah me!

a rediscoverd joy

2007-10-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

on sunday i went and did something that i havent done in a very very long time. i bought new clothes.

when i walk down the main drag in itaewon, always a vendor calls out to me, "big size! we have big size!" it's getting colder here, and i have one pair of pants that fit, and figured i'd best try to find something else to wear.

despite my loss thus far, i dont feel like ive lost anything. i dont feel like i look any different. i dont feel as tho my clothes fit different. i guess it wont be until i absolutely cannot wear a pair of pants without a belt that i will really see my progress. but clothes shopping was really uplifting! not only did i find a pair of jeans that fit, but the first couple pair i tried on were too big! hot damn!

i bought a coat that i love, it's so friggin cold here now. i bought a pair of pants that i didnt really want, actually, but the sales woman was so nice to me, i couldnt say no. but im glad i bought them now, i look super cute in them.

ive used either my elliptical or treadmill for 23 out of the last 30 days. yuppers.

fighting meh

2007-10-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

from sparkpeople: Nearly everyone has experienced a time when it hardly seems worth the effort to get out of bed, or when the problems they face seem so overwhelming that they're not sure where to begin.

yuppers. but not today, i feel good :) and now, a message from dr ian.

It’s not unusual to get down on yourself when you’re making changes to how you live, especially after your initial excitement fades. I encourage you to face the issue and not ignore it. Take a quiet moment for yourself to think through what’s bringing you down, then remind yourself of why you are making these changes. Cling to your hope and not the lies or negativity that might be running through your mind. You WILL reach your goals, but know that managing depression can be part of the process. You might need to seek professional counseling to help you deal with what’s really bothering you. Don’t be afraid to seek the help that you need. Support is critical and millions have succeeded in getting their mind and body back on the positive track.

farewell

2007-10-02T15:08:00.000-07:00

i had to get the cereal out of my house. it's just too much right now. with jc, i was controlling to one or two bowls a day, but now-a-days i can go through half a box and a whole carton of milk. i polished off a box today and told myself that maybe i ought to make a little change.

there's this cereal here in korea, i dont know the name, it looks like Chex or Life, but it's chocolate. chocolate, y'all. and i found a lacto free milk. the combonation is just too tempting.

i do love Cereal, but Cereal and i need to take a break for a while. Cereal, please understand. i still find you delicious. there's no other quick comfort food like you. and this is not goodbye... this is only, "until we meet again..."

fuck yeah

2007-10-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

i stepped on the scale this morning and the number was 230.4.

meh

2007-09-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

i have used the treadmill or did a dvd for 18 of the last 20 days. my scale is broken, but i know i was 232-ish or so. and my goal is to be 229-ish by october 1st. i estimate i eat under 2000 cal/day. at this rate, i think i will make that october goal.

and yet i still have that "so what" feeling, that "meh" all around me... this feeling of pointlessness and wanting to give up and thinking that im really just spinning my wheels and doing a whole lot of nothing. WHY do i feel that way? *sigh* strugglin. where's the feel good, dammit?!

im going to go home, and hop on my new used elliptical i got yesterday. i was only able to manage about 5 min last night. that shit is hard. i'll go for 8 minutes tonight.

treadmill

2007-09-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

i bought a used treadmill this week! im excited!

ive only had it for three days, but i look at it like:

"I have used this treadmill every single day since i bought it."

roll eyes

2007-09-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

son of a bitch. time goes by so slowly when one is trying to work out regularly and follow proper nutrition. but them 4 days of crappy eating can fly by like the wind!

ah ok, im 232.6. ok. ok. it's a new month, a new day. i'll be 229 by october. i proclaim it. i should be getting a fat paycheck soon b/c of all those extra classes i taught in the summer, i want to by an elliptical. k... im going to read inspiring blogs now.

sigh

2007-09-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

<---this picture has nothing to do with this post, i just like it. i bought several of these beautiful big bead necklaces and bracelets whilst in ghana. i ended up giving them to gwen and angela (friends of mine who are jewelry makers) before coming to korea.

im still reading half of me, man i really really want to get my own computer. sometimes with all the cigarette smoke, being at the internet cafe really sucks. pero anyways, this girl just really is inspiring. the first several entries were her struggling, but continuing. gives me hope for my future... oh lawd i am strugglin!

for moments, i'll feel so clear and alert and aware. like telling myself, "self, you'll be 229 by the end of this month." perfectly reasonable, attainable goal, and i popped in a workout dvd and smiled through the whole thing. but later, im thinking about how tasty some cereal would be. *sigh*

and i so easily forget my accomplishments. ive lost 20 pounds, thats nothing to sneeze at! but i dont feel it. i feel like a "so what?" about it, which i shouldnt, goddess knows if i gained 20 pounds, i'd be pretty pissed off.

im going to go read more. get some more inspiration.

smarties

2007-08-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

i feel like im smart again.

i went to buy chocolate milk the other day, and this time instead of just picking one, i tried to read each label to find the calories per serving. a little hard b/c its all in korean, but i can see the numbers, and it still says "cal" for calories. for all of them, one serving = 100ml (half a cup?) and one was 75cal, another 80cal, another 110. i found one for 60. same amount of chocolate milk, just less calories.

i realized that that near daily treat of canned peaches i eat is 400 calories for the whole can. jeez. i can eat one large apple 10oz sliced up nice and snack-like, for 147 calories. it takes longer to eat and keeps me fuller way longer.

and rice... way too much rice. one serving of rice (according to jenny) should be around 80-100 calories, which is 2ounces cooked. yesterday i ate like one fat meal instead of many small during the day, and that 10 ounces of rice on my plate looked like my pre-smart life style serving. and that 10 oz is 5 servings of rice! the lesson here is not that you shouldnt eat 5 servings of rice, but rather, if youre eating 5 at one time, realize that it's 5 and therefore lay off the starch for the rest of the day. and it's ok. it's just for the day. i can have rice again tomorrow.

as jenny says, "it's not about checking up on yourself. it's about checking IN with yourself."

2007-08-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

im in the zone. i've done cathe four out of the last 5 days. im tracking my food and staying between 1600-1700 a day. im feeling very positive and accomplished. i've not been doing the daily weigh in. im going to wait until the 1st of the month. update: on sept 1st i weighed in at 234!!! sonofabitch! :)

it depends on your personality, but i dont think there is anything wrong with weighing yourself everyday. at times, i really love seeing that 0.02 drop in the scale and it motivates me. but lately i had been playing a game with myself seeing how much i could eat/how much i could ignore without the number going up. no more of that silliness.

2007-08-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

im reading through "half of me" a blog i havent paid much attention to, but so happy to read now. it's super awesome reading the blogs of the folks that did it, and are still doing it. this woman started at 360. she's at about 160 now. friggin awesome.

in her first entry, she writes reasons for her weight loss, one of them being clothes. Me too! i'm coming, magic sweater! maybe in 6 more months!! :( anyway, first entry she writes, "it's difficult to find proper fitting clothes. Lately I can't even find pants that fit. I wear the same pair of pants almost all the time because they are the only pair I have that fit." Jeez. me too. i wear one skirt for work, one pair of pants for non work, and that's it. i have an assortment of blouses... but i'll look forward to wearing new pants. damn. k, that's all. was just thinking.

hey whats up

2007-08-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

guys, i feel so much better these days. i was gone for a while, but im feeling much better now. jeez, what a martyr i was. tho it's a lot of work for me, it's not nearly the same amount of effort my other sisters in the struggle do.

i dont know exactly what kenzi was eating, i think just using common sense eating. but she exercies a lot, like A LOT. same with meghan, she was really great at keeping her calories at 1200 a day, and exercised twice a day: once in the gym, and then another hour on the elipitical at home.

those are the only blogs i read regularly, actually. i used to read a couple others, but they've all stopped writing. maybe they're just on a break like i was. come back, ladies!

update on the gerber finger foods: i like to put like 10 in my mouth and then let them melt. it feels weird. i love it.

do what you want.

2007-08-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

a while back i was on calorie-count.com, reading a forum about ideas for low-calorie snacks and someone mentioned the gerber baby finger foods. at first i thought that was insane and that person needed counseling, taking weight loss too far. but jeez, im so over my judgemental self, who do i think i am.. tho i've said "do what works for you" over and over, i forgot it for a while. i remember again now. i heard of a woman that used baby utensils for all her meals, and i take back the mean stuff i said about too. anyway... i bought these gerber snacks and they're pretty tasty. ive tried the apple/strawberry, the sweet potato, and the banana. you can eat 80 for 25 calories .

i have found a clearness. took me long enough.

2007-08-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

<--this was me these last couple of months

i was reading kenzi's blog, and in a few entries she writes something about the idea that "life is not fair" and she just deals with it. i read that it was like my mind is now illuminated. ive been sitting around for weeks all sorry for myself, "boo hoo, poor me, i work so hard and i cant lose this weight" which is not true; i average, what, a pound a week? but i have to work so hard for that pound. and it'll take so soooo long to reach 170 (magic sweater size) let alone, 130. and it's not fair.

it felt like it'd been weeks and weeks that i was doing the kathy step dvd everyday, finishing and then rewinding to repeat the second combo TWO times or THREE times in a day, and i wasnt breaking 225. so i gave up for a while. i stopped exercising. i ate poorly.

i had been avoiding numbers. i hadnt been weighing daily b/c i was eating with no boundaries and hadnt been exercising . it's like a hamster wheel or that episode of buffy when she's stuck in a time loop. i start the day with 3 bowls of cereal, and so i dont want to weigh in, and so i say "bump it" and so i eat wild the rest of the day. then at night i think about what a waste of a day it was. then the next day comes and BOOM i eat lots of cereal again. lots of reasons i can use, im teaching extra classes right now, im having issues socializing, i hate all my clothes, blah blah blah.

i did tap once on the scale maybe a week or so ago, the number was 236.5 or something. granted, maybe a bit was time of day, water, etc, but still, 6.5 lb gain? nearly 10 actually, since 225.8 was my last official weigh in. i was about to sit down and eat some cereal over that! i didnt. but i wanted to.

i cant sit here and say what im doing isnt working, it IS. ive already proved it to myself. and it takes a little more from me that it does the people around me who lose without even trying. fuck it, life isnt fair. ok. i got it. i'll deal with it. bump others, this is about me.

ah, connected to another thing i'd said to myself a while back, when i was thinking about doing something that wasnt very nice. i declined to say/do it, and when asked why by the homegirl, i replied, "b/c it's not the kind of person i want to be." cue another light bulb. i get to choose who/what i want to be. and i want to be a thinner sha. and i will be. last 2 weeks have been back on track, and i feel much better about everything, and just now i stepped on the scale, it's after 10pm here, and the number was 230.6. im not mad at it. my toes are in the 220's.

i ALSO realized that staying off the computer wasnt good for me. im all alone otherwise, really. my support system is here, online. it's with the other folks who keep their weight blogs, it's with spark, it's the ability to search and read any kind of nutrition info i want. b/c dont all us in the struggle know that sometimes dealing with people face to face kind of sucks? everyone wants to give you advice, tell you what to do about your weight. or tell you you dont need to change. tell you you shouldn't obsess and insist that you must hate yourself if you want to lose weight. and face to face with those in the struggle are just as bad. it really bothers me sometimes to hear a homegirl constantly berate herself, saying how fat and how unattractive she is... first of all b/c she isnt of course. second, b/c it's self loathing which i hate (hypocritical b/c i am of course sometimes guilty of it too). 3rd ive got issues of my own without having to listen to yours. 4th, im 40lbs heavier than you, jerk.

im going to allow myself to be selfish. and im going to set aside computer time everyday. and im going to stop thinking about other people, and just worry about me. if youre reading, kenzi, have you any idea what an inspiration you are? i really appreciate you, more than you know.

this is me now:

cathe

2007-07-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

this is the dvd i use the most. actually, it's just "Basic Step," this here looks like a compilation or something. i bought it on amazon, it came with the step set. i built up doing a couple of minutes at a time, adding a little bit each day, until i could do the whole thing.

ok, ok...

2007-07-17T23:15:00.000-07:00

hello blogworld! i have plateaued. i've been at 228-230 since... around start of may. *sigh* and NO i havent really been putting in as much effort as i could to break it. ive stopped tracking my food, i use the elevator and not the stairs, i cab to work rather than walk, im not drinking as much water as i used to... but i do use a step dvd 4 times a week or so... though not for the last 3 days... (blush).

i will find my way. i will break this. i havent failed, im just stalled.
commence to un-stalling.... now!

yogurt

2007-04-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

i miss fat free yoplait strawberry yogurt. i see yoplait at the market, but it's the full fat stuff and tastes too thick to me. i need to check other stores. i found directions on how to make your own yogurt. maybe i'll try it one day.

perspective

2007-04-27T22:56:00.000-07:00

ah man, ive been eating way too much ice cream lately... but moving on; after calculating i see that i've lost about one pound a week since i started in november. i rather like that, it's some nice steady progress. 5 pounds more and i'll be 25% towards my goal! and i am firmly under 100 lbs left to lose. i rock!

blogworld, it's really hard to keep things in perspective sometimes. i look in the mirror and i dont see a difference; i put on my clothes and they feel the same as they did last month; and had i a belt, would i even see a notch go down?! *sigh*

But one must step back and look at the whole picture. 26 lbs down is a lot. and yes it's happened slowly, but i worked for it. i could work harder maybe, but there's nothing wrong with how it's going now. no need to compare myself to others, im going to just take care of me.

im developing new life eating skills and pound by pound im getting rewarded for it. slow as this is going for me, time and pace doesnt matter b/c it's permanent this time. each pound is really gone, forever.

pat myself on the back

2007-04-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

hello blogworld! im feeling so grown and mature and responsible that i had to share this!

so i have that gift certificate for Outback Steakhouse for writing that article for my school. and check me out b/c mature responsible me went online to outbacks website to check out healthy food options before i dine.

these little changes, y'all. they make the difference. Pre-JC Sha would've had a fit inside her head and say "i'm going to eat whatever i want, this is a gift certificate!" as if not paying for the food will take away all the calories. Post-JC Nutrition Conscious Sha stops and thinks... ive never even been to outback before. i dont even know what they have... ah, let's go online and see if we can plan the meal properly."

just like my gripe about drinking, i remember that i am grown and in charge and i can eat what i want... and i want to eat properly; not with gluttony.

dine by choice, not by chance. i dont live to eat. i eat to live. and nothing tastes better than thin feels. and... i am the warrior. Well I am the warrior. And heart to heart you'll win!

hypertnesion

2007-04-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

i dont know if i told you, blogworld, but i have hypertension. my blood pressure shows as slightly elevated every time i go to the doctor, but right before i left for korea and had my last appointment, the doctor looked truly genuinely concerned and it scared me! she told me to get on some medication for it asap, even told me to go to urgent care to get the meds that day... i never got the meds, b/c im an asshole, who knows. i was just convinced that b/c im committed to these healthy lifestyle changes, it would go away by itself.

ok, i need to get over that. hypertension is called the silent killer... and im scared. a couple days ago i had a little dizzy spell, and it was probably after a workout and needing to eat, or needing water, etc, but it scared me b/c i was afraid i was having a heart attack and was going to die! not that i know what a heart attack feels like. but in the movies, the beginning of a heart attack always looks so harmless.

anyway, i am going to buy a blood pressure cuff today. need to monitor that... if it's high when i check it tonight (after being proudly 26 lbs lighter), i shall go see the doctor.

i looked up the prevention things for high blood pressure, and i follow all of them! but last time i had it checked was maybe two weeks into my arrival to korea (was only down around 10 lbs at the time), and the nurse looked worried and told me to come back in a couple of months to have it checked again.

hypertension prevention:

reduce salt/sodium in your diet... i never put salt on anything!

be physically active... me and cathe have been working on this for months.

limit alcohol intake... i said before, i dont hardly drink.
limit caffine intake... well, i do take in a lot of caffine from the coke zero. but i never touch coffee or anything else.

dont smoke or use tabacco... i never smoked in the first place.

practice healthy eating... and i do.

hormones in birth control may elevate high blood pressure.... i use a bc method that's hormone free, dammit!

maintain a healthy weight... ok, working on that one.

african americans are more prone to hypertension... well, can't change that one.

dude, for real! work with me here, universe! im really trying! *sigh* for some reason, black people are more prone to hypertension than others. i didnt think it was necessarily a black thing, i thought it was b/c of the tastes for soul food which is very high in sodium, but i dont eat that... is it genetic? and i am still very overweight. now that part, i can change.

my name's bennet, and i aint in it.

2007-04-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

whilst reading a couple of my favorite weight blogs, i came across a link to watch this documentary about obesity on pbs online.

i think i mentioned before about using caution with the word "addiction" b/c it may become a word to enable you. well me, i think so... i bet i have done a binge or ten of, "i cant help it. whats the point in stopping/trying, i'll give in anyway" sort of talk. i wonder everyday what is it that's different this time. i love my slow steady weight loss, and i dont feel like an addict or a victim, rather i feel very in charge of my life and my choices and feel blessed that this is my life right now. i feel so fucking proud that im doing this solely with smart food choices and exercise.

and how weird that people say their goal is to physically be the person that they just know they are on the inside. so people will see the real me... i will have more confidence... etc

i dont know if i ever felt that way. maybe a little? ive always been thick, i had a 6 months stint of being thin, and then back to thick again real quick. and for sure i missed the thin, but it's mostly surface things: i loved all my clothes, i loved crossing my legs, i loved my profile, i loved not being squeezed into a seat at the movies or in an airplane. yeah i want to keep losing weight for my health and all, but honest to god above that: i cant wait to wear my magic sweater again!

im not worried about fitting in or being liked/disliked, im not worried about what people will say or think. true i exercise at home and not in the gym, and maybe that's a little bit of modesty, but i think it's just as much just my nature, i stay solo and am content with it.

maybe i am shallow... or maybe i am confident. or maybe i'm over medicated.

im workin' out! yeah!

2007-04-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

hot damn, i gots me a dvd player! dont tell my parents, but i hit up a coworker for a loan and bought one. i couldnt wait anymore! i was a little bit embarrassed, but that all went away the minute i hooked it up and started the step dvd!

i got the dvd player on tuesday 4/3. my weight has been bouncing between 229-231 for weeks, i decided that that day would be the last day i ever weigh 230-something. im 228 today! feeling very happy!

really, it just makes a huge difference. im pretty happy here in korea, tho these last few days $ has been thin. but now i get up in the morning and can get that workout, i feel so much healthier, i swear. yeah, it aint been since i was in the hotel that i've been able to hang out with cathe. she completes me. just kidding. not really.

after school special

2007-03-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

dude, im not drinking anymore. ok wait, this isnt me saying with a hangover, "oh my god, im never going to drink that much again..." dude, this wha happened:

ive not been terribly social thus far here in korea. the weather, the money, etc. Sometimes i tag along, but it's not so fun for me b/c my colleagues hit up the bar and im not much a drinker. i like to dance. havent seen any good dancefloors yet. im a social drinker, yeah, but right now all im thinkin is that alcohol is LOADED with calories! im really trying to be conscious of what i take in, especially since im not doing my daily step set and wont until who knows. well after april 10 at least. so i drink sometimes b/c i dont want to be a party pooper, but b/c EVERY outing involves drinking, it's me drinking way way more than i usually do.

my sometimey isnt enough for some of these people. drink, drink, drink! blogworld, the peer pressure is so annoying. it's not even peer, b/c im older than most of these people, and when i say no thanks i dont want a drink, dont shove a shot of tequila at me, dammit, i said no, kid, leave me alone!

so there i was at the bar sipping on some soju/juice mix and then just decided, "dude this is stupid. i dont even want this stupid drink." so thats it, im not drinking anymore, dammit, not unless i feel like it. it really made me angry when i got to thinking about it, b/c i'd made it clear that i am working on nutrition, that alcohol has too many calories, that im not much a drinker to begin with, and yet every outing is, "C'mon, what are you drinking? I'll buy you a drink!" *sigh*

im too grown for all this. "this" meaning putting up with something that i dont want to. im in charge, i do want i want. and i dont want to go out with you if youre going to keep pushing liquor on me. go drink yourself, have a good time, deja me en paz. shit. >:(

oh cathe, i miss you...

2007-03-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

hello blogworld! goddamn i want a tv/dvd player!!! *sigh* im doing freestyle stepping, but i miss my dvd. the scale is playing with 229-230, sounds about right. well i just wanted to do some positive writing and remind myself that i am not doing nothing. well, this is what ive doing for the last three days, and will continue to do everyday until i get that dvd player.

depending on the day, i work on the 4th or 2nd floor and i ALWAYS take the stairs, up and down. often i'll trek up to the 4th floor to find that i need something from the 4th floor in the buildling next over, and i take the stairs down and up again. i pass the elevator and think to myself, "when i get to the top of these stairs, i'll be glad i climbed them."
i live on the 9th floor in my apt building. nah, i dont climb the whole 9! i dont even climb the first 4! but i ALWAYS take the stairs down. hey, dont think climbing down the stairs means nothing; everything you do means something. dont dismiss yourself/your efforts. i feel the front of my thighs flex when im going down those stairs and i imagine i have strong thick firm legs like Venus and Serena.
i now know how to get to work, so i walk. i was taking a taxi everyday b/c i wasnt sure, and b/c it was so friggin cold. the weather is warming up so i walk now.
i do a couple of push ups with my balance ball every morning... imagining i have tight strong arms like angela basset.
i count those calories. i dont know exactly what's all im eating, but i can make a rough guess.
water, water, water... always. or in my case, a mix of half water, half coke zero.
i still weigh myself everyday. i look at that 230 and remember that i will never be 240-something or 250-something ever again.

2007-03-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

oh my god, why is dr ian so fucking fine?

220's

2007-03-13T01:39:00.000-07:00

guys, oh my gosh, 228.6 today... there'd better not be anything wrong with this scale! >:(

freestyle

2007-03-12T16:41:00.000-07:00

i cant stand all this sedetariness! i cant stand it so much that i had to make up a word for it!

i put on a music cassette tape and did some freestyle stepping today. im going broke, blogworld! i have no idea when i'll get a tv/dvd player. my first payday isnt until april mutha' fucking 10th. dont tell my parents, i dont want them to worry. the tape worked pretty well, tho, so long as i have a beat on the 2 and the 4, im alright. didnt work myself as much as cathe does, but it was cool. for sure will do it again tomorrow.

no excuses! plenty of things we can do at home without any equipment! this, this, and this, and dont forget this. and these dont need no tv or dvd player, dammit! thank you, sparkpeople!

20 pounds down!

2007-03-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

that's right, finally found a scale and HOT DAMN, i weigh 231.6 lbs!!! that's twenty fucking pounds down! oh my goodness blogworld, this is too too wonderful! i mean, despite all that's changed in this last month or so: i left jenny craig, i moved to korea, i started a new job; and i STILL lost weight! thank you hotel major for the in-room dvd player! im so insanely happy: i really like my new job, i like the kids, i like it here in korea. and having lost a couple more pounds, that's just like gravy. man oh man, i have got to hurry up and buy a tv/dvd player, i havent done my step set in like a week, since i moved into my apartment. i have to buy, like, everything... oh my gosh, you know what too, blogworld, this also means that i am out of the 240's forever. im not even playing with 237-239, im firmly in the 230s. im bout to be firmly in the 220's, and One-derland is right around the corner! well, ok, it's down the street some, but you know what i mean. ah, it's a great day.

Weight loss so far: 20.2 lbs
Biggest temptation: so much wonderful dark chocolate in every convenience store i pass... and they're everywhere.
My treat: dark chocolate peppero sticks.
My best discovery: i can do anything!

2007-02-25T03:30:00.000-08:00

hello blogworld! nothing important to say, just typing. it's 8:30 pm korea time. im at the pc bang, hung out in the hotel all day, it was great! this is how i knew i'd be aiight in korea, b/c i really do enjoy just chillin. oh how i miss my cats, tho *sniffle* jeez, anyways Cat-Lady, i did do my step workout today of course. really, nearly every single day i've done it. man, i want that scale! i havent used a riser since the last time i wrote about it. i dont know what happened; like those two days i used it knocked me back a few and i huff and puff through the whole thing now instead of slide through like before. well, not quite, but point is that it sure does feel like a full on workout again, even without the risers. my lips are chapped, the cold weather here is drying me out. today ive drank like two liters of half coke zero, half water concoction.

celebrate!

2007-02-23T07:47:00.000-08:00

hello blogworld. nothing to report, just stopping in to say im still stepping near everyday and i dont have a scale yet. i'll be moving into my place mid to late next week, and top on the list of things to buy is a scale. and a blood pressure monitor. and a bed. and groceries.

my clothes feel no different than when i started this journey in november. jeez. but it's only february. and i know i wont really notice until it's at the point that i need a belt or something. regardless, ive not gone more than 2 days in a row without doing my step workout and that exercise buzz has kept me up and moving here in korea. it's really helped with the time/body adjustment.

it just occured to me a couple days ago that i havent had any ankle pain in forever. not since i wrote that entry about it, actually. well hey, right on!

dunkin schmunkin

2007-02-16T12:51:00.000-08:00

ooooooh my goodness i barely made it through the step workout just now. i put the riser on and stuck it out through the warm up which wore me down, and then took the riser off and sluggishly finished the dvd. i was so tired! i didnt even want to finish! well, many factors here: i've been waking up at 3am since i got here last week. i cant get back to sleep so i get up and do the step set to be sure i DO get a workout that day, around that time it's 4am. i shower and lay my clothes out and im ready to go by 6am, but my training doesnt start until 12:30! so i think overall tiredness contributed today. at first i was so alert and awake despite the hours, but everyday i get increasingly tired. so maybe today was the catch up day. i also blame not enough water yesterday, my lips were so dry. i also blame the two giant ramen cups i had for breakfast, and the chocolate chocolate chip muffin and whole milk i bought at dunkin doughnuts for lunch. hey, they only had whole milk! i didnt want it! i actually really didnt, i shouldve bought a water. i took like 4 small swigs and tossed it. ate the muffin, tho. it's only a one hour break between the training classes, and dunkin doughnuts is on the bottom floor, so i was chillin and oh how i love chocolate muffins! im never buying from there again tho, fo real, the muffin and little ol' milk cost me like 2,600 won! i could've bought a whole meal with steamed rice, kimchi, and fish or chicken from the lunch counter guy down the street! i found out that i'll be teaching in pyongchon in seoul, and the school is working on finding housing for me. another couple weeks, i think. it's only 6am. i may nap right now... jeez im tired...

stepping up

2007-02-15T13:23:00.000-08:00

i've been doing my step workout in the hotel just about every morning, save for yesterday b/c i'd gotten so lost the day before and did so much walking around trying to find my way that i just said f* it when next morning came. anyway, today i thought i ought to add one of the risers b/c i notice how easily i get through the warm up and first combo now that ive been doing this for a while, and WHOA does that one riser ever make a difference! i thought "eh, 4 inches, let's see how this works out" and man did i get a workout! i got through the warm up and part of combo 1 before i had to pause the tape and take the riser off, i could barely talk! ha! it was, tho, the challenge i wanted, im going to try it again tomorrow. i STILL dont have a scale, the teacher training takes up all my time and energy, but it ends on saturday and then we get a week off, so hopefully i can make my way somewhere and buy one. i think i've been losing: i exercise everyday, i'm avoiding all junk food, im not drinking my calories... we'll see. the walking from getting lost alone, i'd better be in the 230's dammit. for real, finding the right exit off that subway is tricky! ok let's do a guess. i'm going to guess that when i step on the scale, it'll say i weigh... 236. ok we'll see next week.

no ramen today!

2007-02-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

hey blogworld. and hello Kole, who is maybe my sole male reader! (im so tickled that people read this website, tee-hee!) today i had lots and lots of water and coke zero, some crackers & peanut butter, and juice and sushi, green tea, a hard boiled egg... *sigh* man i really really want to start my own shopping. well, this is a good exercise in dealing when you dont have your usual tools at hand. i dont know exactly how many calories are in everything i eat here, nor do i know if i'm eating enough protein/carbs/fat, etc, but i kinda know it... and if anything, im aware enough to not eat when im just bored, and am sure TO eat when i realize i've had nothing but some ramen that day. and im not running off to burgerking or pizza hut which is very visible here and looks appealing if only for the ease of ordering food alone. got to find some little carts that sell produce or something. and jeez, i wish i could figure out which milk is the non dairy! i have all those wonderful jc complete start cereals sitting in my back taunting me! :) pero anyways, i did my step workout again this morning, and OH i didnt count on all the extra exercise i'd get climbing all the stairs on the subway here! especially when you keep getting off on the wrong stop and have to keep climbing up to see where you're at, and then back down to hop back on the train :) i think the stepping helps me to climb all those stairs, and has been just in general keeping me alert and in fair health thus far. i really REALLY want a scale; i did daily weigh ins back home and my fingertips were grazing the 230's, i want to know where i am now. im in an internet cafe right now, the guy at the counter is so cute. he speaks no english but helped set me up on the computer. i wish i could say, "you are so cute" in korean. when i learn, i'll come back and tell him.

eating ramen

2007-02-11T03:11:00.000-08:00

hello blogworld! i went around for a walk around the neighborhood today, around 3 hours or so, and i DID NOT get lost :) i drew a little map as i walked, i was so proud to have found my way back to the hotel! the tv here has a dvd player, so i was able to do my step workout last night. my eating has been hard, b/c everything is in korean (of which i dont read or speak a word of) and im not always sure what is a restaurant or not. i went into one place today to try to eat, and the guy just said "no." i was so embarrassed! im sure that it was a restaurant, but im not sure if the "no" was b/c im a foreigner, black, or couldnt speak korean. after that, i was too embarrassed to try anywhere else! *blush* i went into a convenience store and bought ramen. was yummy, tho. hopefully i wont live on that for the week, but it was all i could muster myself to do today. i cant figure out the calories of anything im eating b/c i cant read the labeling, but still im writing everything down to keep me conscious. once i get a place of my own, first on my agenda is figuring out how to grocery shop, and buy a scale.

hotel workouts

2007-02-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

i am now in seoul. everything on the computer screen is in korean. there is internet in my hotel room! also a tv with a vcr AND dvd player! you know what that means... stepping with me and CathE! the disc skipped a bit, so i missed pieces, but yes i DID do my step workout in my room today. er, yesterday night. which was saturday. i have sunday free, and then training starts on monday. on my personal agenda is to buy gloves and a scale. gloves first, it's cold as a mo fo. k, gots to sleep now.

"Meal on My Own"

2007-02-08T06:26:00.000-08:00

so im embarking on a career change and going into teaching esl and i'm leaving for south korea TOMORROW MORNING! im very very exited. im packing, stocked up on deodorant, got my boxes all set to send to myself later full of cute smaller clothes, gonna be great. i had one last appointment with jc yesterday; i wanted to discuss doing what they call "meal on my own." w/jc, you get your main jc meals and then your snacks, and the snacks are defined as a starch, fat, meat, milk, fruit, or vegetable. they gave me a break down of how many of each im to have at my calorie level of 1700 a day. so for example the jc complete start cereal i used to eat in the morning is equal to 1starch and 1milk. so i can find my own cereal, or go to the jc list of what's a starch and what's a milk and have something else. i can also mix them up however i want, like eat 4 meats in one sitting if i wanted, so long as i eat everything listed for that day and not go over calories. it's much easier than i thought it would be. being on jc for this little while, the transition is ok. this is why i dont agree w/people who say jc is no good b/c you'll gain all the weight back once you stop eating their food. not so, you're supposed to stay on the program, you transition slowly from jc food to your own, one meal at a time, until you're doing all your own. if you gained everything back once you stop w/jc food, then you werent paying attention when you were on the program. dont blame jc, you'd have gained it back anyway. same reason i dont blame optifast, or nutrisystem or anything else ive done where i was not successful with the program, b/c really EVERY PROGRAM WORKS, but it's what you do and how you live after you finish said program that counts most. pero anyways, the scale is bouncing around 238-240, hasn't gone over 240.5 in days. im happy. and man, do i LOVE my stupid step workout, i've been doing it everyday. i want to buy a new step dvd now. so let me get off this computer, i got so much stuff to do. good day, blogworld!

im stopping jenny craig

2007-02-04T19:17:00.000-08:00

2/04/07 today was supposed to be my last jc appointment. i called to postpone b/c i wont have money until monday, and turned out the consultant i'd been seeing no longer works there. ah lindsey, i'd hardly knew ye! so i just canceled altogether. im on my own now. i thought i'd be scared, but im feeling very confident. the daily exercising has helped for sure, makes me very confident. and i got calorie-count.com, i got sparkpeople, i got you all in blog world, im'a be ok. it's been in the back of my mind this whole time about going solo anyway, i've been scheduled to leave for korea since early november. im ready. keeping in mind that this weight loss is a life style change, that there's no start or finish, really, makes it all less daunting. there's no, "i have to lose 20 lbs by April" or anything, im not in a competition, this will happen for me, i know it, b/c everyday i keep trying. so i did a lot of giving away today. i posted items on craigslist one by one, and within ten minutes of each posting, someone called to come pick up said item. my balcony is so clean and clear now! i gave away the aerobic rider. i did rather like that machine, tho i didnt use it daily. not even twice a week, i think. s'cool, b/c i love my step set and balance ball. i've packed a couple boxes of clothes and books to send to myself in korea. using the cheapest method of surface mail will take about 2 or 3 months to arrive. and all them clothes are sizes smaller than i am now, b/c i just KNOW they'll fit by the time they get to me. :)

my past contributions to the Fitness Industry.

2007-02-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

look at that photo! if only it really were pennies that i pissed away at the gym! maybe it's a reverse photo showing what i was left with AFTER the gym membership. the lesson i learned: having a gym membership isnt going to make you lose weight. using it, yeah, but just having the automatic monthly withdrawal set up to keep that membership, not so much. silly sha. these are the gyms i've made monthly donations to, in no particular order:

24hour Fitness. i went less than 5 times in 6 months and decided i ought to cancel. if you decide to cancel your membership, prepare to keep calm and have ample time to sit on the phone. When i tried to quit, the only way to cancel was to call this 800 number, and there was always a hold. i tried for 4 days in a row, holding for over 45 min each time, and when i did finally get through, a woman answered with a scripted message that the system was down and please call back another time. >:( i think i just ended up calling the gym directly and did an "angry customer" thing and demanded they cancel my membership right then and there.

The Women's Club was close to my school, so i thought i'd for sure be coming here regularly, esp since it's a women's only gym. yeah, didnt happen. well, i did start out ok, i really loved the hip hop dance class, and i did stepping for the first time and enjoyed it. all kinds of different classes were offered regularly, but my attendance was sporadic at best.

The Arc is the Aztec Recreation Center on the campus of my alma mater. It's also the acronym for the Association of Retarded Citizens, but that is completely unrelated. Tho the Arc was close, could be hit up before or after classes, and was open 24 hours a day, i found it too intimidating to work out with all those tight college bodies. if you went after 6pm, it'd be packed until well after midnight.

Curves for Women opened up right down the street from my house, less than a mile away. thought to myself, "Huzah! The answer to all my problems is here!" yeah... no. yet again, i did not accept into my brain that you have to GO to the gym for things to happen. i made monthly donations to this thang for like 3 years. well, at least it was black-owned. Ujamaa!

i've had home exercise equipment, treadmills and exercise bikes and the like, that i was fortunate to come up on for free, and whattyaknow: having them just sit in your living room doesnt make you lose weight either! :)

i dont have a gym membership anymore. dont know if i ever will again. not to knock gyms at all, glad i got to try all of these, but i think i am just not a gym person. i really enjoy my home workouts, but i think that is just my nature: i spend and enjoy a lot of my time alone. i get excited when i get in a groove, i talk to myself and the cats and the instructor on tv about how much fun were having. and of course, the type of home workout i do makes a difference. maybe im a little vain too, b/c i want to be seen in public looking cute, not sweaty or jiggly or struggling. Hmmm, maybe that attitude will change when i am closer to goal weight, maybe i will feel like i look like an athlete, glistening from a hard workout. time will tell. in the meanwhile, i'm still stepping in front of my tv at home. anyway...

do what works for you!

240.8

2007-02-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

it's 8:40am and the scale says i weigh 240.8. yeah, mang!

thus starts a new month.

2007-02-01T10:45:00.000-08:00

it's feb 1st, my weigh-in is 242.4. note the annoyance in my face on this month's photo. i've not been writing down and tracking all my food. and the exercise is only just really becoming routine; when i work out today, it'll be the 4th day in a row. but it's the eating that's the weakest for me, i know, even if i didn't exercise at all, i still could've lost if i kept track of my nutrition. so my weight is up 0.6 lbs from january 1st. well hey that's not so bad. i can work with that. i'm keeping track now. now is what's important. keeping track keeps me on track. im awake, im aware. i'll leave february in the 230's. oh and did i tell you all and i did my entire step workout yesterday; warm up, combo 1, combo 2, and the cool down. the WHOLE thing! the first time i tried it, i could barely get through just the warm up!yeah, that's right! im doin' it!

Milestones

2007-02-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

i started this list so that i can look at my milestones and remind myself that i am making progress... b/c dammit, weight loss happens soooo slowly... but that's ok. progress has little to do with speed and everything to do with direction.

nov 11 2006: signed up w/jenny craig at 251.8 lbs.

nov 19 2006: actually started jenny craig.

nov 24 2006: the last time i ever weighed in the 250's.

dec 31 2006: lost the 1st 10 lb

jan 18 2007: did home workout for the 1st time & only could get through the warm up.

jan 30 2007: completed entire home workout for the 1st time.

feb 04 2007: last time i remember weighing in the 240's.

feb 07 2007: had my last jenny craig appt, now doing it on my own.

feb 24 2007: realized i havent had any sore ankles in forever... not since nov.

march 09 2007: down a full twenty pounds.

october 25 2007: the last day i ever weighed in the 230's.

november 08 2007: down 25 lbs.

keeping track

2007-01-29T00:30:00.000-08:00

i havent weighed in in days! WEEKS, even! heavens to murgatroid! and here it is with january almost all the way gone! and the month may finish with me losing zero pounds! maybe even a gain! boo, i say, boo! *sigh* well, blogworld, the exercise has been pretty good these last few days, but the eating... oh the eating! ha! the end of the day has been a weak point for me. ah well. make oneself aware and then one can deal. i am still not 250-something where i started, and that is something. i will tie this together this week; i will be conscious of my food choices and i will do some exercise. ok, the goal this week is 3 days doing both of these golden. i was looking at meghan's blog and her chart is so inspiring. little by little and boom, she's near 40 pounds down. i'm taking a page out of her book and adding a chart along the side of the blog. when i look at it, im proud of my little 1-2 pound loss. it adds up. ok meghan, im here with you again, girl! i'll leave january at 240! i'll leave february in the 230's!

doing this exercise thang

2007-01-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

january 22, 2007

i have been doing so great w/exercise lately!

*on 1/18, i did the warm up of my step workout, did a little further into the workout, and part of the warm up again.

*on 1/19 i walked from my dentist appointment to the trolley stop; there was more, i did quite a bit of walking that day. like went up the stairs twice while at the trolley station.

*on 1/20, i didnt write down what i did. prolly part of my step workout.

*on 1/21, i walked from bus station to my transfer point (two times, i think), i did around 20 min on the elliptical machine at work (no one was left in the office but me and i finally said to myself, "i HAVE to take advantage of this private time.") and when i got home, i did a few minutes on my aerobic rider!

now i must be honest and say that i have not been all on point w/my planned eating. but i think, no i really FEEL and KNOW that that little phase is done. i went to my jc appointment on saturday 1/20 and i had a loss of 2.2 or so lbs, which is my biggest jc drop in a week ever. very nice! i've not done my morning weigh in lately, and i think i will start again. i think not weighing tied in with my nonsensical eating. i am bummed that it'll be 245's (ive been weighing sporadically & it's been around there), but heck, 239 is around the corner. im on my way there.

just saying hi

2007-01-17T13:32:00.000-08:00

hello blogworld! im still here! still in the very low 240's, not as low as i'd like it to be, but hey it's still progress. i blog daily on sparkpeople and here on blogger i type more detailed, "finished" pieces of writing. like, writing after i've reflected and analyzed it and all. so, really just posting today to make it known im still here and still progressing. hello to my co-worker cassie, she's a sweetheart. this one time there was spinach dip in the office, and when asked if i wanted some, i replied, "uhm... im going to think about it for 10 minutes," ya'know, just trying to get hold of the automatic office snack eating, and cassie overheard me and said "yea!" it was really cute. i turned down the dip altogether that day, and her celebrating me sure helped out. ah, i do want to toot my own horn right quick and say that today i did 30 min on and off my aerobic rider, AND the warm up section of my step workout. shoot, im'a go do some push-ups right now just for good measure!

239 already?!

2007-01-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

the scale bounced between 239.6 - 239.8 during my morning weigh in! wow! i wasnt even thinking about the 230's yet! anybody reading this: nutrition, nutrition, nutrition. i still dont hardly exercise (im not proud of that, im working on it) but if you watch your overall caloric intake during the day, you can still lose. slowly for sure, but you'll lose. do it right and exercise, you'll have lost 3x the weight i have by now, like my homegirl Meghan.

writing everything down has been really helpful too. im doing jc so i KNOW what im eating, but still, to physically write it down, the time im eating it, the calories it has, makes me aware. at the end of each day, i write "caloric goal" and "today's calories," and if i follow properly, it's around or under 1700. just to see it on paper, it helps.

there's a forum on sparkpeople "What did you turn down?" i think that is so wonderful! im going to start writing that in my log as well, see it on paper evidence of how committed i am. i turn down stuff everyday! i need to celebrate that!

also decided that instead of logging "D-Day" for days i deviated from jc, i'll instead write, "my treat." it's so much more positive. i shouldnt feel bad or ashamed or guilty if i have something outside of jc every so often. it's like acknowledging that i watch my nutrition on most days, MOST not ALL/EVERY day/meal. which is the goal. i owe a thanks to kenzi for that concept "treat."

is this image not the gayest thing you've ever seen!? google image search for the word "positivity!" it's not nice to say gay... i'll probably delete that the second i get a note from someone who is offended.

blueberry muffins

2007-01-09T14:49:00.000-08:00

i take the bus to work, and during transit i have to transfer buses at the mall, and everyday i have to walk past the snack cart that has these big, beautiful blueberry muffins on display. fuuuuuuuck.... jenny craig makes a fantastic blueberry muffin, actually, but since i have to choose a breakfast, cereal wins everytime. but oh, i cant stand even looking at this picture of blueberry muffins! i mean, really, what's NOT good about a blueberry muffin! well, the calories. ok, im over it.

oi, lutong bahay na!

2007-01-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

(geez, it's only been two days since that last post where i was feeling so strong and proud?)

oh wow i really got to share right now. this afternoon i took my mom out (mom is filipino) and we went to Karihan and she bought pansit, kare kare with bagoong, and some pork dish, i forget the name. and holy fuck it all smelled so SO good. like so good you stop and close your eyes and just stand there smelling everything. i took her home and hung out, i two bites of pansit and one bite of the pork, then i grabbed a coke zero and heated up my jc meal and went into the other room. and you know what, blogworld, i was JUST FINE.

reflecting on it, i WAS really hungry, i hadn't eaten in a few hours. but one side of me said, "yeah, it smells great, but do i really want this or need this right now?" filipino food is for sure my favorite but it's not going anywhere. there's 101 filipino restaurants in the neighborhood and i could go any time. (well, i am leaving for korea in a few weeks, but you knw what im saying). i instead thought to myself, "i have lost 11.2 pounds, im glad for it, but that's not enough. i want more. im in charge and i can make things happen."

today i wanted a taste, i had them bites and i enjoyed it, and i guess that's all i really needed. i sat on the couch eating jc and a weight watchers commercial came on and i thought to myself, "i been done started my new years resolution."

feeling very proud of myself right now.

10 lbs Down

2007-01-06T18:26:00.000-08:00

oops, i forgot to do my little 10 pound sum up! so i'll do it now. reflecting on this month; well actually, reflecting since 11/19 when i started, it's really emotionally fulfilling to know i have lost 10 lbs. During, it felt like it was taking forever. now it doesnt seem so. i feel really good know that it's 10 real pounds, not water weight from fasting; and i that i did it with using proper nutrition. i am now, of course, nervous that this will be it & i'll not do another 10 pounds. but i will. that's just nerves.

Weight loss so far: 10 lbs

Biggest temptation: pan de sal. my parents buy
a fresh baked bag every sunday. *sigh*

My treat: little croissant sandwiches after a kwanzaa mixer.

My best discovery: the grocery store now has cherries! :)

never stop trying

2007-01-05T19:01:00.000-08:00

i'd glanced at this article about some woman who was on dr phil, heavy, then came back months later with much weight loss. her 1st appearance she said she blamed her father for her low self esteem, i dont remember why. nothing tragic, wasnt molested or anything, i think something about him judging her. when she came back to the show, she said she felt her blame was misplaced.

what's my point, ok, yeah, i love my parents & i got beef with them, like everyone does with their parents; but after a while, we have to take charge of our own lives and take responsibility for ourselves. those that know me may think this sounds funny as i am a staunch liberal and believer in affirmative action, women's rights, any program that assists underprivileged, under represented, under served populations. but it has to be a two way thing... you may get a little help, but what are you doing to help yourself? stop blaming, stop giving in, stop giving up, keep on going, keep on trying! and if you fall, acknowledge that you have more work to do. then get up and do it. i hope that months or years from now, people will see this webpage about me going from 252 to 130 and be inspired, but god please dont think jc is the answer. jc is my help, but it's me doing this. no weight loss program will work until you take charge. see your shrink, pop some pills and hit the gym! just kidding. not really.

i'd read somewhere of some woman's "a-ha" moment, the moment she decided to really work and lose her weight. she was at a book signing for some fitness guru that was on oprah, and the woman ahead of her was saying "how am i supposed to fit in exercise, i've got two kids, i have to cook for my husband, i work, etc etc." and the Guru just looked at her and said, "you're not ready to lose weight." he signed the next book & went on about his business. kind of cold. but completely right.

home workouts

2007-01-01T07:41:00.000-08:00

dont i already have a post titled "home workouts?" anyway, i was reading this msn forum about exercise embarrassment really interesting! though i dont think i feel quite as paranoid as others expressed, i for sure feel a degree of it, i know it; it's why i dont have a gym membership.

i've wasted so much money on gyms over the years. the only one i really enjoyed was The Women's Club, a gym exclusively for women, and i really only went once a week: to the hip hop dance class. i friggin loved that class, my moves looked so tight compared to all them white people! ok, nah, just kidding... they dont lack rhythm b/c they're white... i just used to club a lot and really really like dancing. but now i cant even bring myself to go to the occasional dance workshop, i got anxieties.

i remember i got so excited when a curves opened up in my neighborhood, and yup i didnt never go there neithers. i just canceled my membership to curves last week, i've been making a monthly donation to them for like 3 years. i bet i've been there less than 20 times. well, at least it's a black-owned curves. Ujamaa!

anyway, HOME WORKOUTS are the way to go! especially for those first few days/weeks/months that you feel self conscious. i got my aerobic rider that i love, my balance ball that i play with, and the step set just arrived and i'm excited to start that too. in a while, i'll feel more confident, and will be able to hit the gym with like it aint nothin, like my homegirl meghan. or maybe i just wont want to... that's fine... as long as i keep moving and the scale does so too, downward.

oh shoot, and you know what? it's so super great to say to myself that i started my new year resolution a month and a half ago and am already down 10 lbs. im so fierce! grrrr.

241.8: today marks 10 pounds down!

2006-12-31T18:48:00.000-08:00

time for the dancing banana!!!

happy holidays

2006-12-26T12:18:00.000-08:00

Belated merry christmas, happy kwanzaa, and all around happy holidays to everybody! so, i over ate on the 24th and 25th, and i didnt do any exercise either, but hey, the past is the past. i walked a good chunk to work today, i think i walked about an hour or so, and then got on the bus. i'm going to try v8 today since i seem to have trouble getting in my daily vegetables. and check out these fresh sneakers my poppa bought me for x-mas! they're magic sneakers; all that walking i did today and i couldnt even feel the ground. im hype to walk at least two more times this week. a couple days ago i bought my plane ticket and i'm leaving for south korea on february 16th to start my new job, so that can be my self challenge: how much can i lose before i leave for Seoul. im in a super happy mood right now. i think i'm just happy to have internet, it's not been working at my house for like 4 days, i was going through withdrawls.

thanks, brother!

2006-12-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

this is my Aerobic Rider my brother's neighbor was giving away. My brother took it off her hands and gave it to me. i've been using it on and off for like 30-40 min in the morning. "On and off" b/c i stop when im tired, and then a couple min later, start up again. i really like it. you pull on the handle bars while pushing with your legs at the same time. i like this machine, i can do it at home, and home workouts are dope. i wont use my excuses of not having a gym membership, or not having a car to get to the gym, or not having the time to get to the gym. I'm gonna make it work. oooh, and i cant wait for my step set!

coming up on my first BIG deal

2006-12-20T18:36:00.000-08:00

guys, im 9.2 lbs down. im coming close to my first 10 full pounds down. that's so friggin awesome. i definitely have to do a non-food reward. i've been doing much better on the exercise. for the last two days, i did leg lifts, crunches, and push ups with the balance ball, and i've got this aerobic cycle machine thing my brother gave me that i've been doing 20-40 min (on and off) on. i ordered a step workout set from amazon, should be here sometime after christmas. 10, 15, 20, 25, this is so friggin awesome.

get those veggies in

2006-12-19T21:20:00.000-08:00

you're supposed to have a daily salad with a jc menu, but i never do. spoiled kid, i dont know, never got into salads. when i do eat them, they're covered im ain dressing, have plenty of corn or fried chicken strips or tuna with heavy mayo. pero anyways, i haven't been eating salads w/the jc program, instead i eat sides of steamed broccoli, sliced raw red bell peppers... that's it! so lately i've been trying to add vegetables to my jc meals. i friggin love these cans of diced or crush tomatoes, y'all. today i added half a can of diced tomatoes & sweet onion and half a cup of frozen spinich to my jc spinich and cheese tortellini. earlier in the week, i mixed the tuna salad with extra chopped celery, onion, and diced tomatoes. eat it a'top slices of red bell pepper. last week i did the same thing, but mixed it in with a can of green beans. does that sound gross? it wasnt, it was really good. i'd read another blog where a person made a huge salad, topped with jc chili con carne and taco sauce for a low cal taco salad. i dont really care for the jc chili con carne, but do try it out yourself and let me know how you like it.

my balance ball

2006-12-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

at my last appointment at jc, i bought two balance balls, on for the office and one for home. I'd read somewhere that if you use a balance ball to sit on instead of a chair at work, you can really strengthen your core. i dont really know what my core is, but im all for making it stronger. i watched the workout dvd it came with. i'll actually DO the workout tommorrow! im trying to think of exercise that i think would be fun. and things i can do at home. i took a step class once and i liked it, i ordered a set w/video today via amazon.com. should be here a couple days after christmas. alright, let's kick this weight loss jazz into high gear!

i cooked this! sort of.

2006-12-16T12:26:00.000-08:00

look at this, guys, i made it myself! mostly... partly. it really is exciting, i never cook. i microwaved the jc part, but i steamed that broccoli myself. :) that's the jc southwestern chicken with rice and beans, along with steamed broccoli and a dollop of vegenaise. doesn't is look like a big ol' plate of tastee goodness?! i dont eat out of the jc packaging, i always put it on a plate, makes me feel like a real person.

i stumbled a little

2006-12-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

{i must preface this with talking about my career change:
i am leaving for south korea in march to teach english.
it was the trigger that got me to start on a weight loss path}

12/15/06wow its been a HARD day and it's only 1pm! i ate a slice of pizza last night. it was in the fridge, it had shrimp and pepercinnis and onions, i dont know what else. ate it cold, while in bed, watching tv. and this morning i woke up and when i remembered it, i was like, "ah, shit."

i wanted to go off everything today b/c of that, like since i stumbled, i might as well "make it worth my while" and start the day off with the rest of that pizza. and wouldn't you know it, i went to the fridge and the pizza wasnt there! whose ever the pizza was (i have two roommates) must've taken it with them this morning.

so instead i started in on my jc menu for the day and ate half of it. i told myself, "well, if im going to eat, i'd better eat what i have planned for today" but see, i didnt have to eat half in one sitting! reflecting on that now, i was trying to set myself up. i was subconsciously going to eat all my food, be left with nothing later in the day, and then use that as an excuse to eat extra.

halfway through my menu i stopped b/c i was full. i got online, checked my email and BANG there was an email from korea. just a little friendly "glad to have you on the team" and that the contract is being drawn up, etc etc. Guys, it flipped a switch in my head. all at once i realized what i was doing with my food today, realized why i started this, realized that i slipped right into old habits, and most importantly, realized that i could choose to stop RIGHT NOW.

*sigh* so i did. ive taken a look at my menu, i havent deviated, i still have lots of fruits and veggies on the menu to eat today (b/c of course i ate all the "good stuff" first, hee-hee), and planned out how to eat them spaced for the rest of the day so i dont get too hungry.

guh, it's a long slow path to weight loss. especially since my poo-butt isnt exercising. time is so strange! it was just one or two days ago i was saying "hey, im out of the 250's, im doing great!" and then i eat pizza! im going to check out some home video workouts this week. maybe get a balance ball or something. i took a step class once, it was pretty fun. ok, self, check out a step video. and re-read my korea emails to fuel me up.

kitty!

2006-12-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

i love this avatar!!!!

goals

2006-12-14T18:44:00.000-08:00

12/14/06 i was on sparkpeople and there was a forum "what are your goals." it was nice! here are mine.

*in 6 months, be in one-derland: that's one hundred something pounds.

*my Ultimate ULTIMATE weight goal is to be 128-132... maybe in a year... and maintain that for the rest of my life.

*to be able to comfortably cross my legs.

*to sit in an airplane chair w/out my hips being crushed between the armrests.

*to look at photos of myself and not see that curvaceous underchin

*to walk into any store i want and find something straight off the rack that fits.

*to only wear clothes that i love, b/c a lot that i wear now is only b/c it fits.

*for my lover to run his hands over my body and i dont get freaked when he touches my stomach.

*to physically be the very best that i can be.

*to inspire others to do the same.

slow burn

2006-12-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

12/10/06 {i posted these last couple thangs backwards, sorry} this week my weight has fluctuated 246-249. im 246 today. i know that often the number may not change, but the inches do, but my clothes dont feel any different. since starting jc on 11/19, i've only deviated 3 days to now. WHY havent i lost more weight? *sigh* ok, it's only been days. not months, self, only days. in addition, i think this is a lesson on the importance of exercise. i am so sedentary. i havent walked to work in over a week, i've been taking the bus. the only other exercise ive done is what i wrote about here- that little bit of the pilates tape, and the little bit i did at my desk before the holiday party. i consistently eat 1680-1700 calories a day. i dont want to eat less, so ive got to move more.

still in the 240's. but that's OK!

2006-12-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

12/12/06 i weigh myself every morning. i know, i know, you're not "supposed" to do that, but that's not quite true, it depends on your personality. if you have an eating disorder, anorexic or something, then nah, not a good idea to weigh everyday. but some, and i feel that includes me, like seeing that .1 drop in the scale, its encouraging. pero anyways, this week my weight has played with 246-249 which is a lot! i wear almost the same clothing and i always weigh in the morning, so the 3 pounds was disturbing to me. BUT i stayed within my 1700cal/day schedule. it was hard for sure, these are the times i want to say "fuck it" and hit carls jr. I went online, read some motivation articles, articles about health and fitness and obesity, watched The Biggest Loser, finally reminded myself that if i dont stick with the nutrition layout i have planned for today, i wont feel good about it tomorrow. so, today im 244. good on me, im still and will forever be firmly out of the 250's where i started.

golden spoon

2006-12-09T15:13:00.000-08:00

my new favorite dessert in the world is the chocolate malt flavor frozen yogurt from golden spoon. this place is friggin amazing. i had some yesterday and was STILL within my daily 1700 calorie goal, y'all! this shit has no fat and the small (4 oz) serving is 68 calories. a small chocolate (6oz) from coldstone is 390 calories. yeah, i know, huh?! my homegirl discovered it and called me for 3 days, telling me how good it is and begging for us to go for a trip. i thought there's no way something so low calorie could be that good and you know what, it IS. im never going to cold stone again. that was a really bad vice of mine, there has been more than one round of me going to cold stone every single day for over a week. i dont do that anymore *blush* but i'm hella excited to go to golden spoon every once in a while for a tasty low calorie treat! i feel like a new woman!

exercise.

2006-12-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

i've been very upset yesterday and today. keeping it dl, i've had too many calls at work with people crying and begging for help and i feel needles all over b/c i have no resources to give... this is the sort of thing i'll need to meditate on to find alternatives of making me feel better aside from using food. yesterday i ate a burrito. it wasn't even good. today we're having the holiday party w/food galore. it's making me extra anxious. let's focus on something else... i bet exercise would pump up my endorphins and help out. ive been meaning to read these articles on sparkpeople. i'll read them now, and maybe i'll try some today:
*basic core exercises that dont require much equipment.
*workout in the office i can do this, i work nights, no one is here but me.
*dorm room workouts b/c you can still do a lil' something in a lil' space. and every lil' bit is significant.
*get fit w/out leaving the house b/c i don't want to use not having a gym membership as an excuse to not exercise.

edit: at my desk, i just did some wall squats, some push ups against the wall, and some stepping using a phone book all while listening to the 80's alternative rock station on yahoo radio. i feel better now. :)

blogs i read

2006-12-05T21:34:00.000-08:00

im so happy to find other blogs of people doing it and doing well. i seem to find more every day. i prefer blogs that talk only about weight loss, b/c it's where i overlap.

*kenzi- the first i found & still my favorite http://kenzicle.blogspot.com/
*jeannete- losing half her weight http://www.pastaqueen.com/halfofme/archives.html
*meghan- workin it http://abetteryear.blogspot.com/
*dietgirl- 360 to 165. wow. http://www.dietgirl.org/dietgirl/
*scale ho- 209 to 170 and still going. http://www.scalewhore.com/
*nancy- tales of maintenence. http://www.dropthefork.net/
*just found this one: http://minxredux.blogspot.com/
*another: http://dietdolls.blogspot.com/

others i've glanced at but not really read just yet
*http://weight-loss-story.blogspot.com/
*http://you-have-such-a-pretty-face.blogspot.com/
*http://yellowabi.blogspot.com/
*http://hollygoheavily.blogspot.com/
*http://bonita-gordita.blogspot.com/
*http://newlifefitness.blogspot.com/
*http://losingcwt.blogspot.com/
*http://fatgirlcamp.blogspot.com/
*http://www.lindamoran.net/blog_archives/diet_survivors/

and Here is a directory of weight related blogs. notice in the index that i have the BEST jenny craig related blog. well... im the only jenny craig blog there, but that still makes me number 1!!!!

what i ate today:

2006-12-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

jeez, im so full. i still have my cereal to eat when i get home~

8:30am
choc soy mil 138cal
2 tsp peanut butter 60cal
9:ooam
1 ounce string cheese 60cal

11:00am

nonfat yogurt 100cal

3:oopm
jc tuna salad 270cal

1 ounce string cheese 60cal

4pm

raw red bell pepper 30cal

nonfat yogurt 100cal
4:15pm

4 ounces diced peaches 25cal
4:30pm

1 ounce string cheese 60cal

7pm

jc chicken fajitas 290cal
9pm

jc cheesecake 150cal
10:30pm(when i get home)

jc cereal 170

soymilk 103

2tsp peanut butter 63

today's calories 1679.

and i'm supposed to have 1700.

i will try to eat another bell pepper,

or drink some juice.

count those calories

2006-12-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

now that im looking at calories in food, im amazed at all the places where i can save and still have plenty to eat. i was at the market yesterday to buy more of those peaches i eat at 50 calories each and next to it i found the same thing but sugar free, with only 25 calories. the lowfat string cheese i eat at 80 calories each; a little further down the shelf i found the same thing at 60 calories. i tried to switch yogurts too, but the extra calories (100 vs 60) are worth it for the taste.

my blue sweater

2006-12-05T07:51:00.000-08:00

12/05/06 today i am wearing my blue sweater. i used to wear this sweater a lot when i was 170-ish. ive not worn it in years. i pulled out a few clothes that i loved and can no longer wear and hung them up on the wall for inspiration. i woke this morning, it was cold, and i put this on. it fits, just doesnt fit the way i want it to. im home right now, it's just me and the cats chillin, and i feel good wearing my sweater. i know that down the line i will be wearing this sweater outside in the world and feeling even cuter than i do right now. it'll be a while down the line, but who cares, i know it's down there somewhere.

am i obssesed?

2006-12-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

it's only december 4th and

this is my 18th post of the month.

broccoli

2006-12-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

can you overdo it on broccoli? i just ate like 3 cups of steamed broccoli. didnt realize i was so hungry. a good lesson here is that i should only cook that which i intend to eat. im sure i ate so much more b/c i had cooked so much of it. later down the line i'll have the restraint to refrigerate extras. pero anyways, years ago i had dinner with a girlfriend and she offered me mayonnaise for my broccoli. i was horrified. well, i wasnt even a fan of broccoli or vegetables at all at the time anyway. oh how i've grown! anyway, mayonnaise with steamed broccoli is the bomb. even better, vegenaise instead of mayonnaise. not only are you getting plenty of iron, vitamin K, and lowering your risk of cancer; you are saving the lives of chickens as well, for vegenaise is sans eggs. it's not the broccoli im worried about overdoing it with, actually, it's the vegenaise with comes in at 90 calories a tablespoon.

update: after calculating, this broccoli debacle cost me 464 calories. >:(

stupid blogger.

2006-12-04T10:40:00.000-08:00

*sigh* again blogger is trippin with the weird looking post screen where i cant change fonts or post pictures or links or anything. i dont want to go to work today, guys. i want to stay home and play video games. but let me leave with a positive- i dont feel like overeating or binging or doing anything that deviates from jc. so that's good. AND my weight is firmly out of the 250's, never to go there again. yeah!

weights & measurements

2006-12-04T08:28:00.001-08:00

I'd love to put a line graph or something here, but am yet to find an html code for that. hook a sista up if you knows.

weekly weigh-in
Date	Weight	Change
11/11/06	251.8	0.0
11/18/06	249.8	-2.0
11/25/06	249.6	-0.2
12/02/06	247.6	-2.0
12/09/06	247.6	-0.0
11/16/06	245	-2.6
12/23/06	243.6	-1.4
12/30/06	242.5	-1.1
01/07/07	240.8	-1.7
01/14/07	240	-0.8
01/21/07	n/a	n/a
01/28/07	n/a	n/a
02/04/07	240	-0
02/11/07	n/a	n/a
02/18/07	n/a	n/a
02/25/07	n/a	n/a
03/04/07	n/a	n/a
03/11/07	229.9	-10.1
04/01/07	n/a	n/a
04/08/07	n/a	n/a
04/15/07	227.0	-2.9
04/22/07	226.8	-.02
04/29/07	226.0	-.08
05/06/07	226.0	-0.0
05/13/07
05/20/07
05/27/07
06/03/07
06/10/07
06/17/07
06/24/07
07/01/07
Total lbs lost: 21.9
Lbs to go: 99.99

yeah, mutha fukkahs!

2006-12-03T18:48:00.000-08:00

244.2 today!!!!! fuck yeah!!! :) ok, i think my weight will play with the 245's to 246's this week, since last week it played with 246-247. but still, very VERY exciting. i am getting close to TEN full pounds down! im so friggin' happy!

how jenny craig works

2006-12-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

how jenny craig works: i think i should really call this, "how i'm working with jenny craig." everyone's experience is different, of course. i've never done a "food" program before, only fasting and liquid diets. i tried nutrisystem once, but i dont really count it b/c the food was so bad i only lasted about a day (not knocking it, tho, i heard they've re-vamped their recipes). when i wasn't fasting, my regular eating habit was eating what i want, when i wanted it. i had no idea how many calories were in my food, nor the carbohydrates, protein, sugar, nothin.' even when i did make wiser food choices (baked instead of fried, low fat or low sugar), i still ate massive portions.

i want to talk first about the cost. yeah, jenny craig is pricey. the sign up fee depends on how long you want to use the program (i think i dropped down $200) and every week i spend around $100 on jc food. i manage b/c i no longer drive a car. that sort of all happened at once- i drove an old car that was on it's last leg. it broke down for the 4th time in less than 6 months. i decided not to fix it. i had made a decision a few months before to leave my home town and was scheduled to leave in 4 months anyway, so i decided to just sell to my car. that saved me money on gas and insurance alone (insurance $100/mo & gas $200/mo). a month with life sans car i found involved a lot of walking: my walk to work took 2.5 hours, walking to the school where i volunteer once a week took 1.5 hours. i thought to myself, "i'd better lose some weight for all this goddamned walking." but see, i know how much nutrition plays into weight loss. with the liquid diet, i'd lost 68 lbs and hardly exercised. i figured i'd best see about changing my food habits.

i couldnt deal with any more fasting. i looked into prepared food programs. i thought about nurtisystem, but nah. i check out fresh food- diettoyourdoor, zoneathome, 3hourdiet, etc but the costs had me reeling. i made peace with it, tho. i needed... no, i wanted help to lose this weight and whatever i use is going to cost me.

i looked into weight watchers, but points seemed weird to me. i looked at jenny craig and went into my free consultation. you get part jc food, and part grocery shopping on your own. for example, today i had jc turkey chili, along with my own sprinkle of parmesan, a side of broccoli and coke zero. as you get closer to your goal weight, you do less jc foods, ie: 4 days a week do jc menu, your own meals the other 3 days. this goes on until you cook all your own food. it really appealed to me b/c i could use this program to learn how to eat, learn what and how much im eating, and most importantly, learn lifetime management skills. Maybe because i've only ever done liquid diets, i really dont feel like jc is a "diet;" i feel like it's more a nutritional program. all the food tastes good (cept them cookies) b/c it's real food.

aside from the jc food, you also get a motivational cd, a couple of pamphlets, and weekly meetings w/a jc consultant. i meet with my consultant every saturday and record my weight. we talk for about 15 minutes about my progress that week: she asks me if im exercising, if i'm drinking enough water, to try to cut down on the coke zero. i ask her any questions i may have (about food, nutrition, calories, support, resources). then i tell her what jc foods i want for that week, i pay, i leave.

i read a lot about how jc is no different from any other program, and that you could easily do it on your own. that's true but i decided that for me i needed help getting started. yes, im spending a lot of money right now, but that's nothing compared to what my weight will cost me for the rest of my life if i didnt get in control of my eating.

sometimes the slowness of the weight loss compared to fasting is discouraging. with fasting, i'd lose near a pound a day; jc is like a pound a week. but i thought about it, and if i had started this slow loss process a month ago, i'd be 5-10 pounds lighter. i'd already be a smart eater. when i reach my goal weight, i wont be scared about gaining it back b/c i'll have learned how not to. i finally accepted what all the "experts" said- the only way to lose weight and keep it off is to reduce your calories in and increase your calories out. i dont know why i was so intimidated to learn and practice this before. but im really glad im doing it now.

nobody was buzzing in my ear to lose weight, nobody had to, i knew. i made the decision on my own, and to use jc specifically. i mention that b/c i think that's important. no program is going to work until/unless you decide you're ready.

since i started jc, i do a lot of online reading about nutrition and obesity. i think and reflect a lot about what my life was like when i did optifast and went from 235 to 170. i think about how i let all that weight come back and then some. i reflect about what i expect out of this weight loss, what will change, what will be different. i journal on paper every day, i blog here, i read and post on sparkpeople for support, i try to see a therapist about once a month. the reason i list all this is because being overweight and obesity isn't just about a weight problem. it is also a mind problem. if you don't make peace with whatever issue you have, if you dont work on your mental and spiritual health as well as the physical, i would wager you would, like me, gain back all you lost and then some.

i just know i look good.

2006-12-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

12/02/06 i was reading mehgan's blog the other day and this part really struck a chord:
"I've read that thin people look in mirrors and see their reflections as fat. I have this same problem only in reverse. When I look into the mirror I don't see 230 pounds hanging on a five foot two frame. I see a face that's kind of cute, hair to be envied, eyelashes that go on forever, even a little bit of a waste (sic). If I hold my neck just so I can see color (sic) bones and if I move my shoulders forward in such a way I can see the bumps of my breast bone and pretend I look like Jennifer Aniston."
that just really wowed me, i had the same condition! ha! i'd like to share that i have always been thick, save for about a year when i'd done the opti-trim and hung around 170 pounds which i wore really well on my 5'3" frame. the trip was that although all kinds of proof was there that i used to be much bigger: photos, all my clothes, all the compliments, people straight up not recognizing me; i never saw myself as big. i think that's also why i gained it all back. again, all kinds of proof- clothes were tight, like tight, instead of checking the scale and watching what i eat, i just bought/made different clothes. :) silly sha. i slowly gained back all the weight and then some, and i never saw it until it was there. i didnt want to admit i used to be a fat person. and i really didnt want to face that i was becoming a fat person again. ah well, past is the past. im wiser, smarter, now. it's nothing to be ashamed of. especially now, b/c im actively doing something to improve on a part of me that im not satisfied with. that's something to be proud of.

yogurt

2006-12-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

i went to the grocery store before work b/c i needed a yogurt to add to my jc menu today. the last two weeks i bought these yoplait lights, they taste good and they're fat free and usually get them for like 60 cents. the little shop i went to was new, they only had one brand of yogurt: Alta Dena. holy smokes, the calories! one little cup was 240 calories, whereas my usual yoplait is only 100 calories. this is a great learning experience, though. it's important to see how many calories are in the food we eat; it's not obsessive, it's educated. i think back about how i really didnt eat a LOT of food, but im still so overweight. i wasnt making smart food choices. i bet a lot of that is WHAT i ate rather than how much. well, no, ok the "how much" factors in there too, but you know what im saying. i want to switch to soy yogurt, though. im pretty sure the price is comparable. there's a lot of dairy in the jc program, i talked to the counselor about using soy instead. i use soy milk instead of non fat milk. i'll switch this yogurt. i dont know if there's anything i can do about the cheese, tho. vegan cheese just don't melt, it's too weird.

========================================

update: i went shopping today and the soy is way too expensive. something like $1.39 per when it's not on sale. also had more calories; 170 or so vs yopliat 100 calories. The yoplait was on sale 10 for $4.55 and oh how i wish now that'd i'd just got the yoplait! instead i bought this dannon light&fit, all excited b/c it's only 60 calories but this stuff tastes like chalk.and i bought like 10 of them!

C'MON!

2006-12-02T07:50:00.000-08:00

12/02/06 im having blogger withdrawls! why is this thing not acting right?! i cant see the link field, the photo field, the font field, anything! why, god, WWWHHYYYYYYYYYY???!!!

some inspiration.

2006-12-01T22:05:00.000-08:00

a great set of tips. this woman lost over 100 lbs.
http://www.nicoleww.com/tips.html
blogger is acting weird right now and i cant properly post the link.

december 2006 photo

2006-12-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

12/1/06 i noticed it was december 1st and i pulled out my camera to take my monthly photo. so this is the first picture i shot, me at my computer desk (notice my poster of Huey of the Boondocks in the background. reprazent!) anyway, i shot this and then looked at it and thought, "goddamn, i am so cute!" then i thought that maybe i should start to take full body shots every month instead, so that i can really see the progress. but then decided that i wouldnt be posting those here. ha! so i took another picture, with a little more of my shoulders in it, and not so much of holding the camera up high to hide my curvaceous under chin. so i took another one, and posted it up instead. anyway, that's my story. the black blip in the lower right is my cat Goldfish. the green yellow red in the upper right is the ethiopian flag (my husband is Amhara). the box in the middle is full of books to donate to the library. but seriously, dont i take a fantastic picture?! and im not even wearing make up or anything! if i'd have been a little taller, i'd have been a model.

it's a great morning!

2006-12-01T10:50:00.000-08:00

12/1/06 it's so cold lately that it doesn't feel like san diego. for the last couple mornings i stayed in bed for like 20 min before getting up; not b/c i was still sleepy, but b/c it was so cold i didnt want to leave the warm sheets! i dont shower until the afternoon b/c its just too cold in morning. good thing i work nights. anyway, enough of the Southern Californian complaining about the weather: im feeling GREAT today. the scale didnt go down today, but it didnt go up and that is fantastic. no one is home right now, i have the apt to myself, it's just me and the cats and i love it. got my internet, got my music, got my cats, its a fan-fucking-tastic morning! :) ha, i want to tell you all that i take antidepressants and i had ran out so i was sans pills for around three weeks. they finally came in the mail last week and i feel so good! but even BETTER than that: all that time i was without pills and feeling the withdrawls and feeling down, i STILL started and stuck with the jenny craig program. former me wouldve used it as an excuse to eat, but the "Informed Educated Aware" me stuck it out. im the best! {black cat top photo: Goldfish. White cat bottom photo: Rosie. those were their names when i got them. my husband wanted to change them, but i didnt want the cats to feel confused.}

kenzicle

2006-11-30T23:33:00.000-08:00

11/30/06 hello world. it's around 11:30 pm, just got off work and im home. feeling very calm and peaceful. today i read this girls' entire blog. it's her weight loss blog. she started at 220 and is now at 160 or so? but she looks fantastic, more like 130-ish. *sigh* it was so inspiring. a lot of other weight loss blogs ive read mysteriously stop. they are set up super nice, have a link for tracking weight, for tracking exercise, etc, and it goes from 2/05 to 6/05 and then nothing. or it starts off as a weight loss blog, but then the entries are no longer about weight, but about life, pop culture, etc, not that people cant blog about that but it made me think "these people dont want to talk about their weight anymore..." and i know why. it was starting to depress me, like, does it work for anybody? can anybody lose all this weight and keep it off? so many times i've tried and stuck with a diet for 2 days and then give up and feel crappy. this time, this is going to be the last weight loss program i ever do, ive made up my mind, this is the time that i will get control of my eating and never be over 200 pounds again, im sure of it. and i was beginning to think that maybe i was wrong, finding all these others who attempted and failed to do what im trying to do, how am i any different? then the goddesses let me find kenzi's blog, and now everything is ok again. kenzi, i dont know you, girl, but i love you.

ow, my calcaneal fisular ligamen!

2006-11-30T10:37:00.000-08:00

11/30/06 today is thursday but its my friday, yeah! its morning, my ankle is a little tight, im doing some light limping. it's common for me, if i was active a lot the day before (like when i used to dance) my ankle would be tight the next day. i distinctly remember when it would happen YEARS ago, i'd be kind of proud of it b/c it was a result a hard dance practice. and i remember a few MONTHS ago, i was ashamed of it b/c it was a result of nothing more than being heavier than my body could handle. TODAY i feel... well, not ashamed. never ashamed anymore b/c im actively doing something to resolve the thing that shames me. i dont have the "proud" feeling (sad that i dont dance anymore. no, i should say, "i dont dance right now."). i dont know, i guess i just feel aware. im thinking to take the bus to work today, but between walking and bussing,it's only a difference of about 30 min. meh, i'll see how i feel.

oh yeah, i weigh 246.4 today!!!! im thinking i should take the bus to "reward" myself, but on the other hand, that's not very positive, using inactivity as a reward... lol.

week 2 day 11

2006-11-29T23:35:00.000-08:00

this is a template for my future blogs. i just found this other blog of a woman tracking her weight loss. VERY inspirational, it's all in kilograms (she began at 90?) and i've not checked what that is in pounds, but you can see her pictures and this girl has really done done it. every week she'd put up a post titled with the week and day she was on and summed up each month as so:
Weight loss so far: 7 kgs
Biggest temptation: Not having seconds of baked potato at dinner
My treat: One bite of my bosses home made chocolate birthday cake. One bite won't hurt!
My best discovery: Not stopping after one lap is the easiest way to get away from 65 year old men asking you "Hows it going, luv?"
how wonderful is that! im going to do that too. maybe not track it by weeks/days, tho. i used to do that a lot with former diets and the counting is not healthy for me, i think. i'd slip and think, "i blew it, now im back down to zero/day one." terrible. now i think about the long term. maybe i'll do it by month. or maybe by every 10 pounds lost.

food for thought

2006-11-29T21:34:00.000-08:00

11/29/06 with jenny craig, you get this motivational cd with 28 motivational messages to listen to for 28 days. i listened to the first 15 min or so the other day. former me would poo-poo such a thing, saying it's cheesy and all. but i put that negativity aside to listen. i do believe in the power of the mind and if i go in thinking something is lame, then it will be. funny, the cd talked about that, that telling yourself things like, "i already messed up today, so i'll just eat this cake," or "man, i didnt go to the gym, im such a lazy ass," etc, those are self fulfilling prophecies. they seem like harmless little statements, but to say them to yourself, maybe not even out loud, that does something to you. instead, say positive things. i dont remember what any of them are right now, i'll go back to that another time :) as i was listening to the cd, one thing really stuck out to me was something along the lines of making this the last weight loss program you ever do. i firmly believe it will be. i really pay attention now to what i eat, how many calories it is, etc. I used to do so much mindless eating. like those chicken nuggets! im mindful now. go, me!

fatfighterblogs.com

2006-11-28T20:34:00.000-08:00

i thought i was so smart and clever with my little jenny craig blog... i found this website today, a blog directory of people blogging about their weight loss. HA! who did i think i was? :)

stinky nuggets

2006-11-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

11/28/06 i just read this post on sparkpeople~

"Ok so today I ate chicken nuggets from the grocery store's frozen section and really didnt pay attention to the content until I put it in the food tracker WOW 520 calories for 8 stinky nuggets!! And they werent that great!!"

Holy cow, 520 calories for 8 nuggets! damn the food industry! its a wonder we overeat. im glad to be learning what's in my food, nutritional and caloric value, etc. i mean, those 8 nuggets are equal to like 2 entire lean cuisines.

ONLY ONE POUND

2006-11-28T12:20:00.000-08:00

Hello, do you know me? If you don't, you should. I'm a pound of fat, and I'm the HAPPIEST pound of fat that you would ever want to meet. Want to know why? It's because no one ever wants to lose me; I'm ONLY ONE POUND, just a pound! Everyone wants to lose three pounds, five pounds, or fifteen pounds, but never only one. So I just stick around and happily keep you fat. Then I add to myself, ever so slyly, so that you never seem to notice it. That is, until I've grown to ten, twenty, thirty or even more pounds in weight. Yes, it's fun being ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT, left to do as I please. So, when you weigh in keep right on saying, "Oh, I only lost one pound." (As if that were such a terrible thing.) For you see, if you do this, you'll encourage others to keep me around because they'll think I'm not worth losing. And, I love being around you -- your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips and every part of you. Happy Days!!! After all, I'm only one pound.

movin to the country

2006-11-28T10:49:00.000-08:00

the jc program requires a good amount of supplemental groceries. vegetables and fruit everyday, i like these little packs of diced peaches. they're 80 calories per 4 ounce single serve cup. now, with the jc tuna salad kit you get a cup of peaches, and it looks exactly like this cup i get at the supermarket. jc is not miracle food, the food can be bought and prepared by you, you can do it outside of the program. If youre wanting to try a jc menu, try the menu on sparkpeople.com, it's like a myspace, but for people working on nutrition and weight loss. there's a calorie counter, a weight log, an exercise log; it's all free, highly recommended by me for support and info, and it also comes with a menu you can follow to help you with whatever your goals are. im thinking i will use it when i leave jc. the cost of jenny craig is a lot, for sure, but i really like it so far and heck, ya know, try it for a solid month, and then stop if i want to. i guess im writing this for anyone thinking about doing jc but the cost is an obstacle, try sparkpeople. or try any lower calorie menu that has all the food groups. dont let money be your excuse. jeez, lose 4 pounds and i just have to act like i know some things, huh? i have to take my own advice, really, b/c im not doing any exercising other than my walk to work b/c i dont have a gym membership, knowing full well that there are plenty of exercises one can do at home.

it's time for the happy banana!

2006-11-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

on 11-11-06, i weighed 251.8. Today the scale greeted me with 247.6!

eating on purpose

2006-11-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

it was around 6:30pm when i got home. i was at my parents house all day, so before i left the house, i packed my jc food to bring with me. i hadnt yet gone shopping for all the supplementals for this week's jc menu, so i found myself home after grocery shopping, still having to eat an apple, a cup of canned pears, 2 single servings fat free yogurt, 1.5cups of zucchini, 2 tbs Parmesan cheese, 1 ounce of low fat cheese, 2 tsp of margarine, and 1 cup of strawberries. eating on purpose like this isnt nearly as fun as sitting in front of the tv with #4 from the taco shop... i met with the jc counselor on saturday and she told me that it's important to eat ALL your food for that day, no matter how late it is. and i agree, to not eat it all is to make myself crazy craving hungry the next day. *sigh* weight loss happens so slowly. it's been one week and i lost 1.6 pounds. patience, grasshopper. think of the long term.

coke zero

2006-11-26T14:56:00.000-08:00

there is no cola in the world better than coke zero. i drink nearly a liter a day. it's just like coke, only not as sweet, and doesnt have that ick diet taste. if they come out with a caffine free version, you all better buy stock b/c my purchases alone will make you rich. i dont know what's the difference between the white can and the black can. the black can is sexier. i like it flat so i shake it to take down the carbonation. today i read that the sweetner used is aspartame which many say causes brain cancer. it's the same stuff they use to make splenda. "oh, this coke zero is so refreshing! my brain hurts!"

photo & weight log

2006-11-26T12:11:00.000-08:00

on november 19, 2006 i signed up with jenny craig.

my starting weight was 251.9 pounds.

******

i'd read in another blog, "you cannot change what you do not acknowledge." so here are my monthly photos and weigh ins: real numbers, real lighting, really these are pictures of me. granted i may choose to put up the one with the most flattering angle, my cutest smile, etc, but for reals, i took these pictures and this really is what i look like. i've seen a few websites of people posting in their bra and panties... uhm, no, you wont be seeing that here ever.

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*****

jc & me

2006-11-25T15:32:00.000-08:00

i used to feel like i was nerdy or pathetic or something b/c of all the time i spend on the internet lately, but then i read on a forum of some guy who had like 3 myspace profiles, 3 bloggers, 3 live journals, etc. Someone asked him why he had so much, he simply repsonded, "its a hobby." that made me feel better, internet surfing is a hobby, the more i learn how to do something, the more im online. i recently started learning bits about html, so i've been on blogger a lot. so here's a new blog for me, about me working on weight loss. im starting out with the jenny craig program. thats not my foot, btw, i just love google image search...

jc turkey chili with beans

2006-10-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

holy fuck, this is the best goddamn chili ive ever had in my whole life. i want to eat this every day. i want to have a bowl of this chili, topped with more chili. im going to make a bowl out of this chili and put chili in it, so that i can eat the chili topping, the chili, and the chili bowl. just... wow. the beans are nice and big and yummy, the meat is plentiful, the sauce is what heaven would taste like if it were sauce. this chili is not hot or spicy or peppery, which i love, it's just all gentle sweet flavor... oh god, i wish i had more *tear drop* 260 calories, 10 out of 10.

jc bruchetta veggie chips

2006-10-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

another among the choice of the desserts/snacks of the jc foods. im not too much of a snack person, chips and such, but if you are i bet these suit you fine. 9 out of 10.