meh

i have used the treadmill or did a dvd for 18 of the last 20 days. my scale is broken, but i know i was 232-ish or so. and my goal is to be 229-ish by october 1st. i estimate i eat under 2000 cal/day. at this rate, i think i will make that october goal.

and yet i still have that "so what" feeling, that "meh" all around me... this feeling of pointlessness and wanting to give up and thinking that im really just spinning my wheels and doing a whole lot of nothing. WHY do i feel that way? *sigh* strugglin. where's the feel good, dammit?!

im going to go home, and hop on my new used elliptical i got yesterday. i was only able to manage about 5 min last night. that shit is hard. i'll go for 8 minutes tonight.

treadmill

i bought a used treadmill this week! im excited!

ive only had it for three days, but i look at it like:

"I have used this treadmill every single day since i bought it."

roll eyes

son of a bitch. time goes by so slowly when one is trying to work out regularly and follow proper nutrition. but them 4 days of crappy eating can fly by like the wind!

ah ok, im 232.6. ok. ok. it's a new month, a new day. i'll be 229 by october. i proclaim it. i should be getting a fat paycheck soon b/c of all those extra classes i taught in the summer, i want to by an elliptical. k... im going to read inspiring blogs now.

*sigh*

<---this picture has nothing to do with this post, i just like it. i bought several of these beautiful big bead necklaces and bracelets whilst in ghana. i ended up giving them to gwen and angela (friends of mine who are jewelry makers) before coming to korea.

im still reading half of me, man i really really want to get my own computer. sometimes with all the cigarette smoke, being at the internet cafe really sucks. pero anyways, this girl just really is inspiring. the first several entries were her struggling, but continuing. gives me hope for my future... oh lawd i am strugglin!

for moments, i'll feel so clear and alert and aware. like telling myself, "self, you'll be 229 by the end of this month." perfectly reasonable, attainable goal, and i popped in a workout dvd and smiled through the whole thing. but later, im thinking about how tasty some cereal would be. *sigh*

and i so easily forget my accomplishments. ive lost 20 pounds, thats nothing to sneeze at! but i dont feel it. i feel like a "so what?" about it, which i shouldnt, goddess knows if i gained 20 pounds, i'd be pretty pissed off.

im going to go read more. get some more inspiration.