<--this was me these last couple of months
i was reading kenzi's blog, and in a few entries she writes something about the idea that "life is not fair" and she just deals with it. i read that it was like my mind is now illuminated. ive been sitting around for weeks all sorry for myself, "boo hoo, poor me, i work so hard and i cant lose this weight" which is not true; i average, what, a pound a week? but i have to work so hard for that pound. and it'll take so soooo long to reach 170 (magic sweater size) let alone, 130. and it's not fair.
it felt like it'd been weeks and weeks that i was doing the kathy step dvd everyday, finishing and then rewinding to repeat the second combo TWO times or THREE times in a day, and i wasnt breaking 225. so i gave up for a while. i stopped exercising. i ate poorly.
i had been avoiding numbers. i hadnt been weighing daily b/c i was eating with no boundaries and hadnt been exercising . it's like a hamster wheel or that episode of buffy when she's stuck in a time loop. i start the day with 3 bowls of cereal, and so i dont want to weigh in, and so i say "bump it" and so i eat wild the rest of the day. then at night i think about what a waste of a day it was. then the next day comes and BOOM i eat lots of cereal again. lots of reasons i can use, im teaching extra classes right now, im having issues socializing, i hate all my clothes, blah blah blah.
i did tap once on the scale maybe a week or so ago, the number was 236.5 or something. granted, maybe a bit was time of day, water, etc, but still, 6.5 lb gain? nearly 10 actually, since 225.8 was my last official weigh in. i was about to sit down and eat some cereal over that! i didnt. but i wanted to.
i cant sit here and say what im doing isnt working, it IS. ive already proved it to myself. and it takes a little more from me that it does the people around me who lose without even trying. fuck it, life isnt fair. ok. i got it. i'll deal with it. bump others, this is about me.
ah, connected to another thing i'd said to myself a while back, when i was thinking about doing something that wasnt very nice. i declined to say/do it, and when asked why by the homegirl, i replied, "b/c it's not the kind of person i want to be." cue another light bulb. i get to choose who/what i want to be. and i want to be a thinner sha. and i will be. last 2 weeks have been back on track, and i feel much better about everything, and just now i stepped on the scale, it's after 10pm here, and the number was 230.6. im not mad at it. my toes are in the 220's.
i ALSO realized that staying off the computer wasnt good for me. im all alone otherwise, really. my support system is here, online. it's with the other folks who keep their weight blogs, it's with spark, it's the ability to search and read any kind of nutrition info i want. b/c dont all us in the struggle know that sometimes dealing with people face to face kind of sucks? everyone wants to give you advice, tell you what to do about your weight. or tell you you dont need to change. tell you you shouldn't obsess and insist that you must hate yourself if you want to lose weight. and face to face with those in the struggle are just as bad. it really bothers me sometimes to hear a homegirl constantly berate herself, saying how fat and how unattractive she is... first of all b/c she isnt of course. second, b/c it's self loathing which i hate (hypocritical b/c i am of course sometimes guilty of it too). 3rd ive got issues of my own without having to listen to yours. 4th, im 40lbs heavier than you, jerk.
im going to allow myself to be selfish. and im going to set aside computer time everyday. and im going to stop thinking about other people, and just worry about me. if youre reading, kenzi, have you any idea what an inspiration you are? i really appreciate you, more than you know.
1 comment:
I know I am not overweight, but I definitely feel your pain. When I was severely depressed I remember using food to hurt myself. The pain was either through overeating (full stomach) or just eating foods that made me feel like crap.
I am not trying to give you weight loss advice, but after going to this seminar geared towards Black women I learned half of any battle is changing the way you think. I would definitely say that you are an optimistic person and you motivate me. One thing I've learned from seminar is the power of chanting. The facilitator made several cultural and historical points and pretty much showed me how chanting STOPS all of the negative voices. Gosh damn I have a lot of negative f'in voices. Since that time I practice giving myself loving speeches. It sounds corny, but I realize in my lifetime no one has ever encouraged me verbally.
So in closing (I know this a mad long comment) don't be ashamed to tell yourself, "Good job," scream "get it girl," or simply declare, "you can do it."
(Also, if you feel you are not making as much progress with your exercise regiment consider doing high intensity work outs in a shorter amount of time. For example, try running faster in 15 minutes instead of running for 45. Or do more reps in less sets. )
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