fighting meh

from sparkpeople: Nearly everyone has experienced a time when it hardly seems worth the effort to get out of bed, or when the problems they face seem so overwhelming that they're not sure where to begin.

yuppers. but not today, i feel good :) and now, a message from dr ian.

It’s not unusual to get down on yourself when you’re making changes to how you live, especially after your initial excitement fades. I encourage you to face the issue and not ignore it. Take a quiet moment for yourself to think through what’s bringing you down, then remind yourself of why you are making these changes. Cling to your hope and not the lies or negativity that might be running through your mind. You WILL reach your goals, but know that managing depression can be part of the process. You might need to seek professional counseling to help you deal with what’s really bothering you. Don’t be afraid to seek the help that you need. Support is critical and millions have succeeded in getting their mind and body back on the positive track.

farewell

i had to get the cereal out of my house. it's just too much right now. with jc, i was controlling to one or two bowls a day, but now-a-days i can go through half a box and a whole carton of milk. i polished off a box today and told myself that maybe i ought to make a little change.

there's this cereal here in korea, i dont know the name, it looks like Chex or Life, but it's chocolate. chocolate, y'all. and i found a lacto free milk. the combonation is just too tempting.

i do love Cereal, but Cereal and i need to take a break for a while. Cereal, please understand. i still find you delicious. there's no other quick comfort food like you. and this is not goodbye... this is only, "until we meet again..."

fuck yeah

i stepped on the scale this morning and the number was 230.4.

meh

i have used the treadmill or did a dvd for 18 of the last 20 days. my scale is broken, but i know i was 232-ish or so. and my goal is to be 229-ish by october 1st. i estimate i eat under 2000 cal/day. at this rate, i think i will make that october goal.

and yet i still have that "so what" feeling, that "meh" all around me... this feeling of pointlessness and wanting to give up and thinking that im really just spinning my wheels and doing a whole lot of nothing. WHY do i feel that way? *sigh* strugglin. where's the feel good, dammit?!

im going to go home, and hop on my new used elliptical i got yesterday. i was only able to manage about 5 min last night. that shit is hard. i'll go for 8 minutes tonight.

treadmill

i bought a used treadmill this week! im excited!

ive only had it for three days, but i look at it like:

"I have used this treadmill every single day since i bought it."

roll eyes

son of a bitch. time goes by so slowly when one is trying to work out regularly and follow proper nutrition. but them 4 days of crappy eating can fly by like the wind!

ah ok, im 232.6. ok. ok. it's a new month, a new day. i'll be 229 by october. i proclaim it. i should be getting a fat paycheck soon b/c of all those extra classes i taught in the summer, i want to by an elliptical. k... im going to read inspiring blogs now.

*sigh*

<---this picture has nothing to do with this post, i just like it. i bought several of these beautiful big bead necklaces and bracelets whilst in ghana. i ended up giving them to gwen and angela (friends of mine who are jewelry makers) before coming to korea.

im still reading half of me, man i really really want to get my own computer. sometimes with all the cigarette smoke, being at the internet cafe really sucks. pero anyways, this girl just really is inspiring. the first several entries were her struggling, but continuing. gives me hope for my future... oh lawd i am strugglin!

for moments, i'll feel so clear and alert and aware. like telling myself, "self, you'll be 229 by the end of this month." perfectly reasonable, attainable goal, and i popped in a workout dvd and smiled through the whole thing. but later, im thinking about how tasty some cereal would be. *sigh*

and i so easily forget my accomplishments. ive lost 20 pounds, thats nothing to sneeze at! but i dont feel it. i feel like a "so what?" about it, which i shouldnt, goddess knows if i gained 20 pounds, i'd be pretty pissed off.

im going to go read more. get some more inspiration.