meh

i have used the treadmill or did a dvd for 18 of the last 20 days. my scale is broken, but i know i was 232-ish or so. and my goal is to be 229-ish by october 1st. i estimate i eat under 2000 cal/day. at this rate, i think i will make that october goal.

and yet i still have that "so what" feeling, that "meh" all around me... this feeling of pointlessness and wanting to give up and thinking that im really just spinning my wheels and doing a whole lot of nothing. WHY do i feel that way? *sigh* strugglin. where's the feel good, dammit?!

im going to go home, and hop on my new used elliptical i got yesterday. i was only able to manage about 5 min last night. that shit is hard. i'll go for 8 minutes tonight.

treadmill

i bought a used treadmill this week! im excited!

ive only had it for three days, but i look at it like:

"I have used this treadmill every single day since i bought it."

roll eyes

son of a bitch. time goes by so slowly when one is trying to work out regularly and follow proper nutrition. but them 4 days of crappy eating can fly by like the wind!

ah ok, im 232.6. ok. ok. it's a new month, a new day. i'll be 229 by october. i proclaim it. i should be getting a fat paycheck soon b/c of all those extra classes i taught in the summer, i want to by an elliptical. k... im going to read inspiring blogs now.

*sigh*

<---this picture has nothing to do with this post, i just like it. i bought several of these beautiful big bead necklaces and bracelets whilst in ghana. i ended up giving them to gwen and angela (friends of mine who are jewelry makers) before coming to korea.

im still reading half of me, man i really really want to get my own computer. sometimes with all the cigarette smoke, being at the internet cafe really sucks. pero anyways, this girl just really is inspiring. the first several entries were her struggling, but continuing. gives me hope for my future... oh lawd i am strugglin!

for moments, i'll feel so clear and alert and aware. like telling myself, "self, you'll be 229 by the end of this month." perfectly reasonable, attainable goal, and i popped in a workout dvd and smiled through the whole thing. but later, im thinking about how tasty some cereal would be. *sigh*

and i so easily forget my accomplishments. ive lost 20 pounds, thats nothing to sneeze at! but i dont feel it. i feel like a "so what?" about it, which i shouldnt, goddess knows if i gained 20 pounds, i'd be pretty pissed off.

im going to go read more. get some more inspiration.

smarties

i feel like im smart again.

i went to buy chocolate milk the other day, and this time instead of just picking one, i tried to read each label to find the calories per serving. a little hard b/c its all in korean, but i can see the numbers, and it still says "cal" for calories. for all of them, one serving = 100ml (half a cup?) and one was 75cal, another 80cal, another 110. i found one for 60. same amount of chocolate milk, just less calories.

i realized that that near daily treat of canned peaches i eat is 400 calories for the whole can. jeez. i can eat one large apple 10oz sliced up nice and snack-like, for 147 calories. it takes longer to eat and keeps me fuller way longer.

and rice... way too much rice. one serving of rice (according to jenny) should be around 80-100 calories, which is 2ounces cooked. yesterday i ate like one fat meal instead of many small during the day, and that 10 ounces of rice on my plate looked like my pre-smart life style serving. and that 10 oz is 5 servings of rice! the lesson here is not that you shouldnt eat 5 servings of rice, but rather, if youre eating 5 at one time, realize that it's 5 and therefore lay off the starch for the rest of the day. and it's ok. it's just for the day. i can have rice again tomorrow.

as jenny says, "it's not about checking up on yourself. it's about checking IN with yourself."

im in the zone. i've done cathe four out of the last 5 days. im tracking my food and staying between 1600-1700 a day. im feeling very positive and accomplished. i've not been doing the daily weigh in. im going to wait until the 1st of the month. update: on sept 1st i weighed in at 234!!! sonofabitch! :)

it depends on your personality, but i dont think there is anything wrong with weighing yourself everyday. at times, i really love seeing that 0.02 drop in the scale and it motivates me. but lately i had been playing a game with myself seeing how much i could eat/how much i could ignore without the number going up. no more of that silliness.

im reading through "half of me" a blog i havent paid much attention to, but so happy to read now. it's super awesome reading the blogs of the folks that did it, and are still doing it. this woman started at 360. she's at about 160 now. friggin awesome.

in her first entry, she writes reasons for her weight loss, one of them being clothes. Me too! i'm coming, magic sweater! maybe in 6 more months!! :( anyway, first entry she writes, "it's difficult to find proper fitting clothes. Lately I can't even find pants that fit. I wear the same pair of pants almost all the time because they are the only pair I have that fit." Jeez. me too. i wear one skirt for work, one pair of pants for non work, and that's it. i have an assortment of blouses... but i'll look forward to wearing new pants. damn. k, that's all. was just thinking.